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What we have is precious–I did not want to ruin it. He occasionally calls me “little one.” “Little goddess.” But I have avoided titles.He has been slowly embracing his dominant side more and more, but today he let his Papa Bear out. “Daddy” means “I love you.” It is more than whatever I happen to feel.
I was fine with that at first, and then I was pissed off.He liked to make the decisions, but always keeping me in mind.When I’d get indecisive and he’d tell me what to do, I flushed with good feelings I swore he could feel.And just like that, the decision was made and it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, because going back to him is not an option. I asked Daddy for help, because I desperately needed it. His expression was one of total love and acceptance. And I felt, instantly, like my world was back in balance. I can work on myself, on having the relationships I want to have, and being the person I want to be, without even considering throwing myself back into a self-destructive cycle that could end in utter disaster. I am impulsive, and indecisive, and spontaneous and insatiable and passionate and prone to addiction. Part of the thing that makes my life more complicated than it needs to be, is the fact that I am a highly empathetic person. I really wanted to have sex with him of course, but the before and after are just as important and I needed to connect in other ways.I told him I was thinking about having random sex again, and asked him if I could. It is hard for me to reign it in and make the best choice unless I have a solid, immediate reason. One of the worst feelings for me is disappointment–I can’t even say the word without getting an empty, crappy feeling in my chest. Dating and exploring obviously comes with a measure of disappointment and rejection. But it doesn’t make it any easier for me to dole out. He told me that he didn’t understand why I’d want to waste our limited time together eating, or taking a walk, when he “knows” that we both show love through physical touch and he “knows” that if we had spent some of that time doing other things, I would have complained about not getting enough cock.He knew quite a bit about it and said he’d like to try to meet that need for me, but I proceeded with caution.I was prepared to scrap that entire aspect of our relationship if it seemed, for even an instant, that he wasn’t being true to himself. He sees how I respond when he takes control–not just in the bedroom, but anywhere.He mentioned how patient he is multiple times–something men have said to me on more than one occasion to make it seem like a virtue that they still want me, even though I have explained that I do not want them.Eventually I think he got the message that we are not going to happen–I refused to give him the answers he wanted.I give him major kudos, though–he constructed a blanket fort for me the other day. Adults always joke about wanting to hide in a blanket fort, and he actually made it happen.He “gets” the whole baby girl thing better than I do some days.